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Corky's Corner
Corky's Corner

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Waking up is hard to do
By Corky

      One of my first purchases upon leaving the nest was a clock radio.
      For awhile I woke up to head-bangin' rock music. When that got old (after roughly sixty seconds), I switched to a country station and began each day mourning the loss of someone's sweetheart.
      The change in air waves also brought me the Morning Farm Report, a gripping saga of hope and betrayal in the agricultural market.
      These days I wake up without jets to rent an alarm since I can I never stay up past eight p.m. My husband, Dan, however, has a dasdardly time rising, so I'm shopping for a new alarm clock for him.
      One option available is the Timebomb Novelty Alarm Clock. This is perfect for that hard-to- rouse person. The digital display counts backwards to the alarm time. In the final minute the countdown rips away in tenths of seconds to add suspense. But the real draw is the "explosion" that results. You can also set it for machine gun fire. Hasta la vista, Sandman!
      The Natural Alarm Clock provides a less violent means of awakening. The globe faintly starts glowing half an hour before the set time. Gradually it brightens until it resembles a full moon. Unfortunately you wake up to find your body covered with fur.
      But wait! There's more! The Hamburger Alarm Clock looks good enough to eat. The top bun on this realistic model opens to reveal the clock face. And no bedroom should be without romantic Model PK-01, which is shaped like a colossal pair of lips. WARNING TO RETAILERS: Never display these two models next to each other.
      The ideal timepiece for eggheads is the No-Snooze Alarm Clock and Calculator. This presents the barely conscious listener with a math problem to solve (like, for instance, 23 times 7) before shutting itself off. Your brain is forced to think, thereby waking you up. But what happens if you get the wrong answer? Does it whack you across the knuckles with a ruler?
      Instead of a standard buzz, the Rude Awakening alarm clock offers a full minute of verbal abuse. Actual dialogue: "Hey, you! Get up, you Loser! Do you wanna be flippin' burgers for the rest of your life?!?" I'm leaning heavily toward buying Dan this model.
      Better yet, maybe I'll save us $39.95 and harass him myself.

      Corky is Lois Corcoran. Her column appears in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram Online and on a free parenting e-zine, The "M" Word.

Other Corky's:
Exercising My Gluttonous Maximus
To Make An Obscene Phone Call, Please Press "1"

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