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Exercising My Gluttonous Maximus
By Corky

      Now that summer's just around the corner, I'm eager to start an exercise program. Sort of.
      I'll have to change my workout wardrobe first though. These days only spandex says we're serious about fitness. Last time I tried anything rigorous, leg warmers were all the rage, which gives you an inkling how long it's been.
      I still shudder when I recall the polyester gym suit I tugged on for Phys Ed. The fashion statement IT made was that no one but Twiggy should wear horizontal stripes.
      Once I'm suitably clad, the next challenge will be where to work out. Most likely it won't be a fitness center. For some reason I shy away from people when I'm bathed in sweat and fighting off a heart attack.
      According to one of my many fitness books, you can secretly exercise your gluteus maximus while standing in line at a grocery store. Yeah, right! Like no one will notice you flexing your butt cheeks?!? With my luck, I'd topple the magazine rack.
      My gym will be in front of the TV if I use exercise videos again. Whoever coined the phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" must have gone that route. One can quickly grow to hate them. I once OD'd on "Abs of Steel" and STILL had a tummy like tofu.
      I could hike up and down our creaky staircase to simulate one of those thoroughly modern steppers. That provides an effective workout, but it confuses the heck out of our dog, Woody, who follows me around the house.
      There's some argument as to whether one should eat before or after exercise for maximum effect. Just to be on the safe side, I recommend both. We fitness gurus have to keep up our strength. Thus I may work out in the kitchen for convenience sake.
      Fact is, you can overdo fitness. Jane Fonda admitted in a recent article that she's addicted to exercise. I can just hear dialogue from her support group. "I'm so ashamed! Last night I snuck in the closet and did a hundred reps."

      I sure don't wanna end up like that! So whatever program I start, it'll be done in moderation. I'm hoping to buy a stationary bike built for two. That way I can take a break and still get a workout. Or maybe I'll invest in a passive exercise machine. I kind of like the sound of that...

      Corky is Lois Corcoran. Her column appears in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram Online and on a free parenting e-zine, The "M" Word.

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