No Pain, No Vain
So I show up for class wearing the latest in fitness gear -- spandex bodysuit, aerobically correct
shoes and a sweatband thrown in for good measure. Thus adorned, I committed jets to rent myself to a
lesson in facersize.
Working out one's face is rather new to me although a lady I saw on TV claims she's done it for
years. "I started in my thirties and now I'm a hundred-something," she bragged, flaunting her
youthful-looking mug before the camera.
"Oh c'mon!" I hollered at the infomercial. "That babe ain't a day over twenty-one!" But a parade
of before-and-after pictures convinced me otherwise.
So I looked into this newfangled concept and learned that for two hundred clams, I could attend
a workshop that would teach me how to restore my youth. It demonstrates facial calisthenics for
all sorts of trouble spots -- gelatin jowls ... a double chin ... even a droopy eyelid that threatens to
slam shut without warning. The workshop lasts about six hours or until someone dislocates her
jaw, whichever comes first.
If anyone asked me, I'd have sworn facial building would be a piece of cake. I mean, how hard
can it be to do a cheek press? Better than that, no one takes your measurements. No perky
instructor carries on a conversation while sustaining an aerobic blur. And no one nags you about
reaching that damn target heart rate.
Boy, was *I* wrong! Facialbuilding tones all of the muscles in the face, and they get just as sore
as their southern counterparts. Furthermore, it's messy. Many drills have you jamming your
fingers in your mouth, which makes for a drooling workout.
In order to assess our facial needs, we're asked questions like, Do you have thin skin? I'm glad
my husband wasn't there to answer that. And we participants asked our own queries like, "How
can I smooth the creases between my brows without a steam iron?"
Facersize requires considerable coordination. For example, an exercise claiming to shorten your
nose calls for pushing up on the tip of it with your index finger while simultaneously pulling
your top lip down to your chin. We looked like a roomful of chimps.
So I may try a different approach. There's a facial building program that actually uses an
electrical charge, but I've got a better idea. Next time I spot a thundercloud, maybe I'll jog
outside and see what develops.
Corky is Lois Corcoran. Her column appears in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram Online and on a free parenting e-zine, The "M" Word.Other Corky's:
"Jest Between You and Me," is now available at Hard Shell Word Factory. For a short reading, visit the Free Gallery of Authors' Voices.
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